On Getting Pregnant- An Apology

Growing up, I always had this idea, an unspoken dogma that I assumed everybody already knew to live by: You grow up, date someone for less than a year (cause hey, if they were really the one, then nothing should stand in the way of getting married, right?), and start having children nine months later. In my head, there was no such thing as complications, no reason for delay, and definitely no differing of opinions that would deviate from that clearly correct plan, right? Ha.

So I grew up– kind of. Before my 19th birthday, I met Sean and decided he was the one, but he had just chosen to serve a mission for our church, and there was no way that I wanted to deter him from that. So we dated for a year, and then I waited while he served a mission. 
When he returned, he was excited to begin having babies as soon as we were married, but I felt hesitant and so we agreed to wait at least six months to enjoy married life before going off birth control. Only when six months rolled around, he had decided that he liked being married so much that he didn’t want it to change. In his mind, there were adventures to be taken that would be hindered by having children. So, we agreed to wait three more months. 

We took a trip to Hollywood and met The Rock, went on another vacation to Disneyland, spent the night on a beach in Washington, swam in the ocean, and began college classes. 
When the topic of children came up again, there was tension. He still wasn’t ready, and I was so ready it hurt. We agreed to wait three more months to discuss it again, but I wasn’t expecting anything at the end of those three months except three more months. I didn’t think that he would ever want children, and it became a topic we both avoided. We bought our duplex and began the remodel. Three more months had come and gone and I had all but given up on convincing Sean that children would be their own fantastic adventure.
Then one day we were driving to Sean’s parent’s house to watch a movie. For some reason, names had come up, and we started discussing what to name our future children. Then he got a look on his face that can only be described as bewildered joy, and he looked at me and said, “Leisl, when your birth control runs out this month, I don’t think we should refill it. I’m not saying we should try to have children yet, but I think we should see what happens.”

I was stunned. I turned away from him slightly so that he couldn’t see my total excitement, awe, and confusion (I didn’t want it to make him change his mind). All I could say through my blurried eyes was “Thank you.”

Words can’t begin to describe the pain and hopelessness that I felt at Sean not wanting to have children. And I am sure he felt under attack and pressured to agree to change our relationship in a way that he could only see as bad. So many couples loose sight of each other while raising a family, and many great opportunities are passed up due to the mere fact that you cannot commit your whole self or money to those opportunities or each other anymore– and that is scary.

So here is my apology to all those couples I have judged for not following the generalization that I placed upon you. I am sorry for the heartache you have received due to infertility, or just complications in general with having children. I am sorry that I felt like it was my place to assume things about your marriage or relationship, when I really had no right to stick my nose in. I believe that children are a gift from God, but I also believe now that while He is in control, it is a very personal and sacred choice for married couples to decide when the timing is right for them. 

And you know what? Even though we didn’t start a family right when I wanted to, those almost three years of growth was just what Sean and I needed as a couple. Killian came just at the right moment, and I have no doubt his siblings will follow in fashion. It gave me the opportunity to learn patience, and it gave Sean and I the chance to become closer as a team and enjoy our years as newlyweds in a way that would have been different with children. Looking back, I can honestly say I am grateful for that experience.


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